One of the common mistakes parents make is that they think they have to meet all the needs of the child. These people think that loving means putting the child’s needs before their own. Although the intention of such parents is good for their children, it may have the opposite effect on them. Over time, this will teach children to suppress their needs and desires and to constantly think about meeting the needs of others. Sometimes the needs and desires of you and your family members overlap and it is not possible to fulfill them at the same time. In this case, how should we prioritize the needs? In this article, we are going to answer this question. You will also find out what to prioritize between your needs and your children’s needs and how much to fulfill their wishes.
Attachment theory and its relationship with meeting needs
John Bowlby proposed the attachment theory in the 1950s. With the help of this scientific theory, we can understand how we depend on others. By examining mother-child interaction, scientists have proven that the relationship we have with our parents as children affects the type of relationships we have in adulthood. This issue is very important, because the quality of our relationships plays an important role in our personal health and happiness.
Children who have a secure attachment express their desires more easily and cope more easily if they do not get what they want. The parents of these children have been emotionally available to them most of the time and have accepted their children’s needs. This group of parents have told their children directly or indirectly that “I care about you, I hear your words and I am going to accept your need.”
Remember that accepting children’s needs does not mean simply meeting them. All the needs of the child should be known, but we don’t have to skip a lot to meet them.
How to develop a secure attachment
- 33% of the time, you meet all the needs: in this case, you hear the child’s needs and fulfill them. For example, while cooking, the child asks you to read a book to him . In this case, you stop your work, sit in front of him and express your joy of reading a book to the child.
- 33% of the time, you don’t notice the child’s needs: You may not be aware of the child’s needs, you may not notice them, or you may be so busy that it is not possible to meet his needs. In this case, your child may be upset.
- 33% of the time you try to correct the situation : this step is the most important step in creating a secure attachment. In this case, if we make a mistake, we realize it and accept the responsibility by apologizing . This is how we teach our children that they don’t need to be perfect. He can fail and learn from his failure . Note that we must be responsible in this relationship in order to build an honest relationship with our child.
5 ways to take care of your child’s needs
1. Be honest about your needs and wants
Many people deny their needs instead of accepting them. There are several reasons for this. Many people cannot bear the unfulfillment of their needs and the sadness that comes from it, others do not want to rely on others in order not to be disappointed by them, or maybe being needy is not cool in their culture.
If you have denied your needs as a child, pay attention to how you behave in the face of your child’s needs. Do you quickly meet his needs without considering your circumstances? Do you run away from your child’s needs, but eventually meet them?
None of these reactions are bad, but rather reflect your own needs. If you pay more attention to these reactions and are more aware of your situation, you will behave better when facing the child’s needs.
Note that if you constantly deny your needs, you will teach your child to do the same. In this case, even if you explain the opposite to the child, it will not be very efficient.
2. Accept all needs, but only meet some of them
If meeting your child’s needs makes you resentful, you are probably overdoing it. According to research, 55% of our communication with others is made by body language , 38% by tone of voice, and 7% by words.
If you sigh or do it listlessly when you meet a child’s need, the child will know that you are not being honest with him and will learn this from you. In these cases, clearly explain your situation to your child. First, respect his need and give him the right to have this need, then explain the reason why you cannot fulfill his request.
Consider this conversation between a parent and a child as an example:
I know we would have a lot of fun if I stayed home and played together instead of going out, but I’m going out with my friends because I need to play with my friends too. Tomorrow we will talk about how you feel about this. I understand if you are upset and angry with me now.
3. Say no firmly
Many times, we do not have the ability to say no to our children because of our conscience and compassion . You should keep in mind that if you accept the child’s request and do it without consent, you will do more harm to him than if you categorically reject his request from the beginning.
For example, we may fulfill the child’s wishes and at the end of the day, when we are upset, we start arguing. Or when we want to go to work, in order not to face the child’s negative feelings, we try to quietly leave the house or say to the child, “After all the things I did for you, you behave like this?”.
These things make the child feel responsible for your needs. This is while we ourselves have avoided accepting our needs and desires.
4. Pay attention to your anger when meeting your child’s needs
The feeling of anger usually originates from jealousy . You may not be angry that your children have so many needs and wants, but rather jealous that their needs are easily met. If this is the case for you, it is better to ask yourself: “What do I want that makes me afraid of others’ judgment if I express it ?” Who can I ask for help to fulfill my desires?”
5. Value quality over quantity
It doesn’t matter how many of your child’s wishes you fulfill. What matters is how meeting these needs makes you and your child feel. According to research, just devoting 5-10 minutes a day to playing with a child strengthens the bond between him and his parents. It’s better to focus on the quality of time you spend with your baby, not the frequency of it.
you say
Maybe saying no to your child’s request and facing his discomfort and anger is not a pleasant feeling for you. However, keep in mind that fulfilling all of your child’s wants and needs may have a very negative effect on him. In the end, the best way is to be honest with yourself and your child and prioritize the needs correctly.
How do you manage to meet your child’s needs? Do you agree to do all his wishes?
Warning! This article is only for educational purposes, and to use it, it is necessary to consult a doctor or specialist.
