Coping with separation and accepting it is not easy. Complex emotions of sadness, relief, anger, and regret swirl in our troubled minds, and no matter how proper the decision to break up may be, you may still miss him terribly. Although losing touch with someone you’ve spent a lot of time with is difficult, many experts believe it’s one of the best ways to heal your heart, take it easy, and move on. Here’s a no-contact rule, its benefits, and how to resist the temptation to contact your ex.
What is the no-contact rule?
The no-contact rule means cutting off all contact with your ex-partner after separation. It also means avoiding phone calls, texts, direct messages, liking on social networks, and face-to-face meetings. Some even believe that watching each other’s posts on social networks is not allowed. No contact must continue for at least 60 days.
In addition to not having direct contact with your ex-partner, you should not contact your mutual friends to gather any information about their life. Although it is inevitable to think about your ex from time to time, no contact and avoiding unwanted prying and scrutiny is necessary to reduce thinking about him and the relationship you had. This also helps to avoid creating wrong feelings and misunderstandings on both sides.
Benefits of no contact
Breakups are excruciating and challenging and come with many confusing emotions. Feelings of discomfort, sadness, anxiety, despair, helplessness, and confusion are expected after a breakup. You may also reminisce about your past life and breakup.
No contact gives you more time to understand the new situation. It helps you repair your heart, accept reality, and start a new relationship after the necessary preparation. It also prevents you from slipping back into the old relationship (which causes confusion and can prolong your pain and grief).
We have mentioned other benefits of completely cutting off contact after a breakup.
1. Acquiring valuable emotional skills
The end of a relationship usually gives you more free time. Use this time to strengthen your emotional intelligence so that you have more chances to succeed in the future. Most problems are caused by not knowing the boundaries. “No” is a short word that is not used enough.
Cutting off contact is an excellent opportunity to create better boundaries, increase self-esteem, and let go of dysfunctional behaviors we learned as children. You will likely succeed in your future relationship when you understand where you went wrong and correct your destructive behaviors.
2. Rediscovering the forgotten sources of happiness
Most single people live a lively life; They participate in sports classes, recite poetry, and travel with friends. In most relationships, after a while, both parties stop showing love and start fighting. They leave behind their old friends and an essential part of themselves.
Being out of touch gives you the time and energy to pursue your big and small goals. For example, you can get an MBA, plan a dream trip, or improve in your favorite art or sport. Life without a spouse is different but just as sweet. You will radiate positive vibrations when you start smiling and being happy again. After a short while, you will also have new suitors because the world is vast.
3. Ability to define non-negotiable values
Most people take the wrong way to find their life partner and look for attractiveness, money, or a sound body. You must change your thoughts if you want a lasting love that will grow over time. What are your values? What do you think are necessary and essential?
For example, you can say that you are looking for someone who:
- He apologizes and accepts his mistakes.
- It believes in a two-way relationship where both parties must give and get things.
- Believes in commitment and interaction.
Think about what values you and your ex-partner did not share. These values should be definite and non-negotiable in your next relationship.
4. Back to reality
Sex floods the body with oxytocin and dopamine (the body’s “feel good” hormones). Usually, euphoria drowns you in fantasy. The no-contact rule is like a detox that brings you back to reality after the relationship ends, and you see your ex not as you wish they were but as they are. Is he selfish, cowardly, or a liar? Maybe he is an emotionally immature narcissist?
When you face reality, you’ll better decide whether your partner is the right person for the long term. Long-term commitment is no joke. You want a healthy and loyal partner to keep you going.
Essential points in the no-contact law
1. A no-contact rule will not help you get your ex back
Some people use the no-contact rule to change their partner’s behavior, that is, to make their ex miss them and get them back together. However, the no-contact law is not suitable for returning the ex-spouse. If some people’s partners have returned after no contact, it doesn’t mean this happens to everyone.
This strategy is bad for you because it keeps you psychologically attached to a past relationship and slows down your recovery. A no-contact rule is a self-empowerment tool to help you move on with your life after a breakup.
2. Separation is tough
For most people, love is like a drug. They become coffins from an external source, that is, the presence and approval of another person. Losing that feeling can be scary. You will undoubtedly be sad after the end of the relationship, but by using the law of no contact, you will regain your power, self-esteem, self-confidence, and competence. You also distinguish between “wanting” a person and “needing” them.
After a breakup, take care of yourself and avoid seeing your ex on social media, as it will make the healing process more difficult. (Completely blocking your ex on social media is an excellent way to enforce a no-contact rule effectively.) Discuss your situation with someone who understands. This person doesn’t necessarily have to be your best friend and maybe just someone who cares about you.
3. The sound of silence is much louder than any words
Ending a long-term relationship is the worst thing that can happen, especially if your partner breaks up with you via text or other hurtful ways. In such cases, he probably knows that he behaved badly. He might even be waiting for you to scream, beg, or show your meltdown on social media so he can label you a “busy.” If you behave like this, you have confirmed his decision was correct.
No contact changes the game. Make your ex feel bad and sorry without telling them they are wrong. Your silence shows that you are a person of character, and he also understands that he has lost a great wife.
Exceptions
It is not always possible to completely disconnect after ending a relationship. For example, you must be in touch if you have a child, work in the same company, or have mutual friends. In this situation, you should keep contact to a minimum. Also, have some conversations you are okay with and set boundaries about when and how you spend time together.
Resist the temptation to break the no-contact rule.
After a breakup, you may feel like there is a missing piece in your life, and you may be tempted to reconnect with your ex-spouse to overcome this sadness. If you are still in contact with him, these feelings may continue with great intensity. That’s why you should resist the temptation to call, text, or even pry into his life. To resist this temptation, you can use the following methods:
- When you feel like reaching out to your ex, instead, please write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal so you can better analyze and understand them.
- Ask your close friends and loved ones to make time for you to talk to them about your feelings when you are tempted to call your ex. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), socializing is a great way to manage stress and achieve happiness, especially when facing life’s challenges.
- Now is a great time to take care of yourself. Notice what you like, find new interests and passions, and immerse yourself in healthy habits that boost confidence and happiness.
- Keep the phone out of your reach. When bored, we usually reach for the phone, which provides the context to call our ex-spouse or look at his social media posts.
- Find the reason for this temptation. Ask yourself where this strong desire comes from and what you expect to gain by reconnecting. You may find that you don’t have a good reason.
If you are tempted to contact your ex, you should know it is not the end of the world. Go back to the no-contact rule and continue on your way.
Call back in the future.
It is unclear how long it will take to get back in touch with your ex. You may even realize there is no reason to contact him again. But if you want a specific time frame, consider about 3 to 6 months. In a 2007 study published in the “Positive Psychology” journal, 155 participants also gradually felt better around three months.
Ask yourself, “Do I still have feelings for him?” If yes, it may be too early to contact him. In these cases, we may want to contact the other party to be together again or show him we are delighted without him.
If you don’t feel for him anymore, ask yourself, “If I’m not emotionally attracted to him, why should I reconnect with him?” If you want to defuse an awkward situation in a group of friends or at work or try to be friendly, do it slowly and after setting clear boundaries.
If your relationship was unpleasant and toxic and you’ve followed a no-contact rule to be extra safe, never reconnect with your ex. Reconnecting with this person may lead to a resumption of unpleasant and abusive relationships.
final word
Breaking up is difficult, but a no-contact rule can help you deal with complex and unpleasant feelings. Please resist the temptation to call again, as it can cause emotional confusion and prolong the pain for both of you. Now is the time to take care of yourself and move forward.
