It has happened to all of us that sometimes we grumble because of certain circumstances or hear someone else complain. This is normal and is considered one of the human characteristics. However, there are also people whose job is to grumble from morning to night; It doesn’t matter what the issue is. They are just looking for an excuse and will soon find it. Poor those who have to endure the grunts of such people! It is safe to say that no person is as hard to bear as someone who constantly grumbles. For this reason, in this article, we decided to talk about whining, its causes, and its symptoms in ourselves and others. In the end, we will examine the ways to overcome it.
Definition of the concept of whining
Complaining is a concept that everyone may be familiar with; however, in its definition, we must say that complaining refers to continuous blaming, complaining, or finding fault with another person. The nagging person can be a spouse, parent, or even an employer. These three categories share the closeness to them and the dynamic of their relationship, which includes dependence. This relationship is difficult to let go of.
The personality tendency of grumbling people
The American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, does not define a rambling personality. However, it overlaps to some extent with passive-aggressive personality disorder in previous versions of this booklet. Previously, a passive-aggressive personality was known as a negative personality. Anyone who deals with naysayers regularly knows how negative they can be.
Besides negativity, grumbling people may also be obsessive because they constantly pay attention to other people’s activities. These people may be somewhat similar to people with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) in that they always think about other people’s behavior (obsession) and then rant to relieve the anxiety caused by the obsessive thought (compulsive behavior). For example, a man cannot get this thought out of his head that his wife has arranged a party (obsession) and continues to do this until they leave and come back (compulsion).
Therefore, it can be said that the grumbling personality includes the characteristics of a passive-aggressive and obsessive-compulsive nature.
The effect of whining on people around and close
Whining can be considered a constant source of anxiety or annoyance. People constantly exposed to other people’s nagging feel anxious and annoyed. In addition, whining is a form of negative communication in relationships. Research on interpersonal relationships, especially romantic ones, has shown that unhappy couples exhibit more negative communication behaviors than relatively satisfied couples. This problem has serious consequences for the marital relationship and leads to a decrease in the frequency of sexual intercourse or dissatisfaction with it.
The causes of people’s grumbling and their motivations
First, it is a misconception that people grumble because they enjoy grumbling. It’s not like that; Researchers believe that many patients with constant whining are not happy with this work; By the way, bearing the burden of caring and worrying about everything big and small makes them very uncomfortable. So what are the main motivations of these people for complaining?
1. Unload negative emotions
Some grumblers grumble because of mood problems. This problem in clinical psychology means dysregulation, what we colloquially call moodiness. A person who rolls does not feel calm at that moment and cannot sit down or manage his negative emotions. If feeling anxiety, fear, depression, or hopelessness is pressing on the grumbler, he cannot bear such feelings.
They don’t know what to do with their emotions, so they lash out at anyone they can find to vent the feelings they can’t bear anymore. The work or the thing they are focused on acts as a carrier or vehicle that takes these negative emotions away from them and takes them somewhere else.
2. Fear of chaos
Unlike most people who see uncertainty and a certain amount of disorder as an inevitable part of everyday life, narrators have trouble accepting this fact. For example, if most people see that the clothes have not been washed, they say to leave them for tomorrow. If they see that leaves have fallen in the yard, they say that the world will not end if we do not sweep today. What does a grumbler do? He grumbles until the laundry is done and the yard is cleaned. This is because these people need to feel that everything is orderly and predictable.
Many of us usually misunderstand the motives of these people and believe that they want to control us or make us think that they are always right. While these people grumble because of deeply rooted fear, their world can spiral out of control if all the details don’t fall neatly into place.
Seven signs of whining and how to overcome them
There is a stereotype that women always whine, while men can complain just as much. Do you know what the signs of weeping are?
We recognize grumblers very well, but we can rarely tell if we are grumblers ourselves. If you want to know if you are a grumbler, look for these seven signs in yourself.
1. You repeat each request more than two times
If you have a request from your spouse, child, or people around you, after you repeat it a couple of times, it won’t help anymore. The number of times you ask others to do something is no longer a request but a whine.
Solution: After asking two times, don’t ask again and fix the problem directly. For example, if your child throws his socks in the middle of the room, and he repeats it twice after you told him not to do it, next time, you should sit down and ask him to explain why he does this. Ask him if there is a way to solve this problem.
2. The excuse you find for whining isn’t all that sad
Nagging sometimes turns into controlling behavior. For example, your daughter put the dishes on the stove instead of the sink. It’s not a problem, but you want those dishes to fit in the sink. Because he has done something against your will, you hold him and make him do what you want. If he doesn’t listen, you start grumbling.
Solution: The next time you are upset that your request was not fulfilled, ask yourself why I am upset. For example, what is the problem if the dishes are on the gas? Instead of wasting your energy trying to control others, analyze what you fear and see why it upsets you.
3. Most of your sentences start with “you.”
It is straightforward to recognize whining from sentences. You are a whiner if you use sentences that start with “you” a lot. “You never take out the trash on time,” “You always leave your socks in the middle of the room,” “You never clean the bathroom after you shower,” “You always throw a party without consulting me,” “You always cook without salt” you do,” “you have a habit of making me greedy.”
These phrases are all blaming and quickly put the other party on the defensive.
Solution: Use phrases that show you are active in the conversation, not just a critic. For example, say, “I want you to clean the bathroom after taking a shower. I wonder why you don’t do that.”
4. You feel helpless
If you’re asking your child not to drop their socks in the middle of the room or asking your spouse to quit smoking, you may feel justified in your nagging, and you’re thinking of them for asking them to do these things.
This is because we hate feeling helpless. When our spouse smokes, and we are afraid that he will hurt himself, or our child has his socks in the middle of the room, and we are worried that the carpet will be dirty, we want to make this feeling of fear go away. After saying it once or twice, if the person doesn’t accept, we have to get our helplessness, and it’s hard.
Solution: First, we must accept what we can do and what we cannot control.
For example, if your wife smokes, you love her and fear her health will be in danger. But you can’t stop him. So it’s better to focus on what you can control: your behavior and your heart’s desire. Do you want your wife to take care of her health more? First, show this heart’s desire in life with your behavior.
5. Your spouse, child, or people around you are not behaving properly
People hate being controlled. They will probably retaliate elsewhere when they have to give in to you in a particular situation. Your nagging makes them feel like they’re not as good as they should be.
Solution: Whenever you feel like criticizing, keep it to yourself. Praise those around you more than criticize. It may seem unnatural initially, but believe me, the results will be better than whining.
6. You play the role of parent for every one
One of the critical signs of whining is that you feel like you have a motherly or fatherly attitude toward your spouse. When you complain to your wife, your behavior towards her is out of partner mode. If you picture that moment for yourself, you are like a parent raising a child.
Solution: Set standards for everything you grumble about, from chores to finances, and hold both of your haters to those standards. You don’t need to roll and point fingers at him like a parent.
7. You ignore yourself
A grumbler ignores himself because he constantly focuses his time and energy on others. Being careful about the behavior of others makes us not have enough resources to make ourselves happy.
Solution: Modern psychology says that everything we hate is the potential we have. Is your spouse lazy? Do you know something that you are lazy about? Knowing our shortcomings and admitting that sometimes we do the very thing we hate makes us grumble less.
Here are a few more simple ways to treat whining
- Sometimes, they do things others have forgotten without saying anything about it.
- Change the way you think. Is your wife doing the dishes? Be sure he didn’t mean to hurt you. He was probably tired or had more important things to do.
- If you feel like you are working more than you can, don’t complain. Instead, leave the tasks that were the duty of others to remain as they are. Has your wife not swept the yard? Tomorrow, when he sees the yard in a mess, he will do it himself.
- Understand that you don’t have to control others.
- Choose the right time to ask for something from others. For example, if the other party is going to sweep the yard, if it is a holiday, let him rest a little and do it at his opportunity.
- Your spouse and children cannot read your mind. Be clear about what you want from them.
- Finally, if your problem is acute, see a psychologist for individual or couple therapy.
Effective management of grumblers
If you are in a relationship with someone who grumbles, these methods can be effective in managing them:
1. When the whining person’s mood is most dysregulated, distance yourself from him. When negative emotions trigger a grumbler, they look for something to grumble about and reduce the intensity of those negative emotions. If you can keep yourself out of the situation, they won’t be able to use you as a target to vent their negative feelings on.
2. Instead of getting into a full-blown argument with him, draw a clear boundary with a few short words. For example, you can say, “I promise we’ll talk before dinner. Not now”. If you still feel pressured to get involved, do it again. They will eventually stop if you continue the same fixed boundary without engaging. This technique is an example of a learning rule and behavior called “quieting.” Of course, if the person in question is your employer, stimulate his narcissism by making eye contact several times to calm down.
3. If the nagging person is your spouse and this issue has affected your romantic relationship, whenever you are calm, bring up the topic of couples therapy. Of course, not in a way that is scary for him. For example, please don’t say we need one year of intensive couples therapy. Let’s go to the counselor for 2 or 3 sessions and solve minor issues. Talk about it positively and hopefully. For example, say, “If I didn’t love you so much, I wouldn’t care, but it’s important to me that we can enjoy life and love together by solving minor issues.”
final word
This article talked about whining, its causes, and its symptoms. We also introduced methods helpful in treating our whining or preventing it in others. Don’t forget that whining has psychological effects, Both for the one who complains and the one who is exposed to it. If you find the reasons for whining, you can manage it. Initially, it may be tricky, but you will find it easy to operate. By overcoming grumbling, you can create a safe and calm environment at home or work and enjoy life more.
