Have you ever been pressured into doing something or emotionally blackmailed? In this situation, you find yourself on the edge of a precipice, from which you have no choice but to consider the other party’s condition. If you are tired of these conditions, this article will be helpful for you. In this article, we talk about this widespread problem.
What does emotional blackmail mean?
In this method of blackmail, the person exploits your emotions to control or influence you for their benefit. Emotional blackmailers instill in their victims a sense of fear, obligation, and a constant pang of guilt to compel them to obey.
This type of blackmail is a common trick in close or romantic relationships. The emotional blackmailer does not use your secrets against you but uses them to control you.
Emotional blackmail can also happen in family relationships. Emotional parental blackmail occurs when, for example, a mother always tries to make her child feel guilty for not spending enough time with her. He may constantly mention things that good girls or boys do in his conversation. These emotional blackmailers use such sentences:
- I make you suffer;
- You destroy this family;
- You are no longer my child;
- You regret your work;
- I get sick;
- I can’t go on without you.
What are the stages of emotional blackmail?
Emotional blackmail doesn’t happen all at once. To save yourself from this disaster, you need to know this. Emotional blackmail has six stages, which we will examine in the following.
1. expressing a desire
The first stage of this type of blackmail is when the blackmailer asks you for something. He may express his desire explicitly or implicitly and indirectly.
In the first case, you will probably hear something like: “I don’t think this person is right for you.” The indirect expression of his desire is accompanied by a sentence like this: “I don’t like the way he looks at you.” “He may be dangerous.” In the second case, it looks like he cares about you, but his behavior is to control you.
2. Resist
If you feel that someone is trying to blackmail you emotionally and you want to resist them, you should tell them openly how you feel. For example, if you don’t want someone to enter your room even to clean, you can stop him by saying, “I can clean my room myself,” or “I get anxious when someone enters my room.”
There are other ways to express this feeling indirectly, such as:
- Always carry your room key with you;
- Put the broom or cleaning supplies where he can’t find them.
3. putting pressure on
When a person resists a normal relationship with his life partner, the other party finds a way to solve the problem, and in this way, they solve their problems together. But blackmailers impose their demands on you with different strategies. Some of these strategies are:
- They express their wishes in such a way that they seem to care about you;
- They say that your resistance causes them to feel bad;
- They tell you you should fulfill their wishes because it signifies mutual love.
4. Threat
Emotional blackmail may be in the form of direct or indirect threats. In the first case, you’ll hear things like, “If you spend tonight with your friends, I’ll pack my bags and leave forever.” In the case of indirect threats, you will also hear statements like: “I don’t even hang out with my friends because I want to spend more time with you. If you leave, I will look for someone else to pay more attention to me.”
In addition, the emotional blackmailer may mask his threat with a promise, saying, “If you stay with me, we’ll eat whatever you like.” “We can even watch that movie you’ve wanted to watch for a long time together.”
5. Obey
In the end, resistance will tire you, and you will give in to his demands. Constant emotional blackmail with pressure and threats can be overwhelming.
If the blackmailer gets his way, he will usually be kind to you. This positive behavior may only last for a moment. If you stay in such a relationship, his toxic behavior will repeat itself.
6. Repetition of extortionate behavior
The blackmailer will notice your weakness if you give in after much resistance. You feel that you would be more comfortable if you surrendered to him instead of resisting him. This will repeatedly happen until you decide you are playing him.
Methods of emotional blackmail
According to an internationally renowned therapist and emotional health expert, Dr. Susan Forward, most blackmailers use various tools to control you. According to him, emotional blackmailers are placed in 4 main groups.
1. Punishers
If you resist the demands of this group, you will be told the consequences. They use direct threats and silent behavior to control you. These people are not talking to you on purpose to make you worry or anxious.
For example, you go home tired from work, and your wife has happily prepared dinner. You want to skip dinner so you can go to bed earlier. The punisher cannot accept this because he has spent much time preparing the food. As a result, he slams doors and does not talk to you.
2. Self-punishers
These people like to show the traumatic result of your constant resistance. Self-punishers make you feel guilty for being hurt. They resort to this method to get you to take responsibility and surrender.
A person with this characteristic might say: “I am a single mother with problems. You have to lend me money so I can buy food for my nieces! You must understand my feelings because you have a child too!
3. The Suffering
People in this category express their discomfort with you by showing signs of pain and discomfort. They like you to understand their sadness through frowns, sighs, and tears. Sufferers frequently remind you of their misery and always tell of things they have passed over for your happiness.
For example, your suffering friend wants to play volleyball with you, but you tell him you don’t like this sport. After dinner, the phone rings. Your friend is on the line and says, “I’m so sad. I didn’t even have dinner because I fought with my mother about my grades. He said that I was only good at volleyball. I feel so bad that I want to play a few rounds of volleyball to make myself feel better. Are you ready to go to the sports field tomorrow and play volleyball?”
4. Tempters
This group likes to reward and praise the victim. They do this every time to get something from you. These things make you feel good about yourself. The possibility of receiving a reward motivates you to fulfill the desires of the tempting person.
For example, your romantic partner tells you you are his ideal partner, and he can’t wait to live with you. However, it is better to take it easy. You agree to his request and treat him with love and kindness. Finally, one day you will ask him if he intends to get married. In response, he says: “Did I agree with this relationship? You keep clinging to me. This relationship is meaningless!
Signs of emotional blackmail
These signs may not show themselves immediately, and you may be an unknowing victim of this blackmail. So knowing the symptoms will help you protect yourself. The most common symptoms of emotional blackmail are:
- It accuses you of being the cause of all bad things;
- He deprives you of his grace;
- He will not compromise with you, and you will never hear his genuine apology;
- It makes you sound unreasonable when you question it;
- It advises you to make sacrifices for your happiness;
- scares or threatens you;
- He seems to be worried about you;
- Demarcation with him becomes almost impossible;
- It controls you when you do everything.
Ways to deal with emotional blackmail
Many times, victims of emotional blackmail suffer from problems such as borderline personality disorder (BPD). Therefore, it is better to think as soon as possible to deal with this problem. To deal with the emotional blackmailer, you can resort to these ways:
- Identify the problem correctly. Be careful not to use your partner’s expression of needs or boundaries as blackmail. Emotional blackmail involves pressure, control, and threats.
- Write down the details. By doing this, you can notice the behavior pattern of the other party.
- Identify your emotional triggers. Don’t let anyone take advantage of your emotional triggers.
- If you realize that the tears of the other party are not real, distance yourself from him. In this way, you show him he cannot use your sympathy to achieve his goals.
- Buy time for yourself. Don’t let his pressures and threats stop you from thinking.
- Have clear boundaries in family, friendship, or romantic relationships. You cannot protect your individuality without strict limitations.
- Make sure of your safety. If your friend’s or spouse’s behavior puts you at risk, consider your safety first.
- Consult a skilled and experienced therapist. This is how you understand why you allow the other party to blackmail and consciously confront him.
- Invite him to change or compromise. Explain to him the consequences of his behavior and set new boundaries.
- Leave him forever. In situations where nothing changes, the best thing to do is to end the relationship for good.
The book of emotional blackmail
Author: Susan Forward
Number of pages: 400
One of the best ways to deal with emotional blackmail is to learn more about it. Emotional Blackmail is a famous book by international therapist Susan Forward. In the book Emotional Blackmail, he analyzes this problem and introduces practical solutions and exercises to deal with it.
Common questions
– Can I file a legal complaint against my wife due to emotional blackmail?
If this method of blackmail occurs between spouses, it is considered a form of domestic violence. Unfortunately, emotional violence has not yet been criminalized in Iran’s laws, and prosecution is possible only in physical conflict.
– How to identify an emotional blackmailer?
These people usually use psychological pressure, control, and threats to achieve their desires.
What is the best way to deal with emotional blackmail?
The best way is to see a psychiatrist. An experienced psychotherapist will help you identify the problem and apply the best solution.
you say
Emotional blackmailers are everywhere. You may encounter such people among family members, friends, or even in romantic relationships. There are simple ways to identify these people and deal with them.
Have you ever dealt with emotional blackmailers? Tell us about your experience in dealing with these people.
