The image of the evil stepmother of Cinderella and Snow White from childhood registered in our minds that neither the mother’s stepmother nor the father’s stepfather. We learned this and passed it on to the next generation in a society where almost one of every three marriages ends in divorce. However, in this country, there are families whose stepchild relationships are much closer than the physical relationships of other families because they, contrary to stereotypes, know how to treat their stepchildren well. If you are also eager to learn this behavior, stay with us until the end of the article.
Challenges of Stepfathers and Mothers
Most children of divorce hope that their parents will find a way to reconcile and remarry. This is the main reason for their dissatisfaction with their step-parents, which manifests as anger, hatred, and confusion. Almost half of the couples who enter a new joint life with a child find disagreements about the children and are under pressure to communicate in the mint family. Some of the critical challenges of stepfathers and stepmothers are:
- They may have different ideas about how to raise children.
- Children’s anxiety about this new relationship does not allow them to communicate.
- The older the stepchild is, the more understanding and less adaptable he is. (Younger children accept the new family member more quickly.)
- If there is no communication between the child and the step-parent before the marriage and the new member enters the house, the child’s defensive reaction will be stronger.
- The presence of the original parent in the child’s life makes it difficult for him to accept the step-parent.
- Children spend most of their time with their biological parents and do not allow contact with their step-parents.
Children’s challenges with step-parents
In addition to the challenges that the new member of the family faces, children also face challenges with the obligation to accept an unfamiliar person as a father or mother, the most important of which are:
- The child cannot accept the replacement of his biological father or mother with a stranger and suffers emotional problems.
- Trusting a stranger is difficult for a child suffering from abandonment. A child does not want to trust a parent who leaves him after attachment.
- The presence of half-siblings disrupts the child’s security and peace of mind by creating an atmosphere of competition.
- Divorced children face the grief of losing their family and must digest this loss before accepting a new member.
There are several essential things to consider when dealing with a stepchild.
Observing these obligations in the position of a step-parent will lead to a better and more intimate relationship with your spouse’s child.
1. The first impression is significant
The simpler and shorter the first encounter, the more effective it is. A brief meeting is enough for the child, and it should not turn into long entertainment too soon. Remember that anything that pressures the child or seems too much can backfire and cause the child to reject the step-parent. Lower your expectations from the first meeting, and don’t expect anything good. Let the child determine the speed of development of the relationship so that, over time, you can understand the desire for intimacy from his behavior.
2. Give the child time to adjust to your presence
Your stepchild will have difficulty adjusting to his new family situation and will need time to accept it. The remarriage of the child destroyed the hope of the parents returning to each other and started mourning. On the other hand, the child is worried that he has betrayed, hurt, and angered his physical parent by accepting you. Therefore, he tries to prove his love and loyalty to the primary parent by not showing a good face.
Consider her feelings and focus on empathy. Help her grieve by hearing stories, looking at old family photos, and planning activities she would have done with her biological parent.
3. Treat him like your child
A stepchild is not a guest in your home. If he visits his physical parent several days a week, it is natural to want everything to be perfect and perfect on the days before you, without realizing that you have taken away the comfort of “home” from him. Instead of this fruitless sacrifice, make him share the responsibilities of the house. Children feel better about themselves and their families when they are taught to accept some family duties and obligations. Besides these, always listen to the child’s opinions, respect them, and praise them in appropriate situations.
4. Sometimes, leave the child alone with the physical parent
Allow the child to spend time with his biological parent occasionally. Let the children play together and communicate in your absence so this new family feels safe. Usually, after a few hours alone with the physical parent, the child shows more enthusiasm to spend time with the step-parent.
5. Be honest and earn his trust
Trust is a vital element of this relationship. The child pays attention to how well you listen, how well you are an excellent confidant, how much you care about his interests, and how honest you are. Believe it or not, children quickly learn the difference between truth and lies. Show your honesty, trust, and authenticity so that you will soon become one of his trusted people.
6. Find common interests with him
Show enthusiasm for your stepchild’s interests and give them a try. Then tell him about your favorites and get him excited to try them. These joint activities provide an excellent opportunity to spend time and, more importantly, have fun with the child. You can eat breakfast, lunch, or dinner together under the pretext of these activities, which is an excellent opportunity to talk.
7. Be his friend, not his father or mother
Love does not happen all at once. You may open your eyes and see that you love your stepchild unconditionally, but at least for the first few years, the goal is to be friends with them. Of course, you can look at this friendship with affection. Have you seen children ask each other’s names first to become friends? You start here too. Ask how he likes you to sound and tell him what you prefer him to say.
8. If you hit a closed door, pull back
Allow for the possibility that you will never be able to get close to your adopted child. If your child is relatively old, because of his mood, he may not be able to see you as a replacement for his original parent, and you may have many differences. If you try and it doesn’t work out, you should be able to wisely and courageously stop trying to build an intimate relationship when the situation is right.
There are several essential dos and don’ts in dealing with a stepchild
1. Don’t try too hard to please him
The first way that comes to your mind to communicate with your wife’s child is to try to please him. But overdoing it has the opposite result, making the child enter the defensive phase. Instead of trying to trick your child, try your luck at being honest and gaining their trust.
2. Do not expect much
Stop counting days, months, and years and remind yourself that parenting is a long-term process. Do not expect the child to quickly adapt to the new family member with a few gifts and games. Sometimes it takes more time for children to adjust to a new family than you think. Avoid imposing your expectations and let everything happen naturally.
3. Do not impose your own rules
Do not do anything. Establishing rules by the step-parent is often a source of misunderstanding. It does not lead to good results. Even if you are currently filling in for the child’s parent at home, whenever you feel that the situation is out of your control, leave the decision to the child’s physical parent. Using force risks alienating the child, and it may take years to recoup the resulting damage.
4. Don’t say bad words behind the parent’s back
It doesn’t matter how badly your partner’s ex-spouse mistreated his family; Children remain loyal to their original parents even under challenging situations. You create a deep and irreparable gap between you and your stepchild by insulting and disrespecting the other parent. There is no need for hypocritical praise and glorification; Talk respectfully about the physical parent in front of the child so that he understands that you agree with him.
5. Do not avoid communication with the child
If you keep your distance from the child, he will show the same behavior and treat you like a stranger. Be eager to get to know the child and ask to know more about him. The clearer this communication is the less chance of misunderstanding.
6. Do not differentiate between physical and stepchildren
Separation is the greatest injustice of a parent to a stepchild. This behavior causes the child’s annoyance and resentment towards the parent and the jealousy and disgust of the half-brother and half-sister, which is highly harmful. A fair parenting model should relieve all the children in the family of love and attention and let them know they are an essential part of your life.
last word
Change is always hard for children, especially if they must let someone into their comfort zone and call them mom or dad. Always keep in the back of your mind that your stepchild is facing a significant life change, and his bitter behavior is somewhat understandable. Be patient and find the best way to approach him through trial and error to establish a good and healthy relationship.
What other points do you observe in dealing with your stepchild? Tell us about your experiences.
Warning! This article is only for educational purposes; to use it, it is necessary to consult a doctor or specialist.
