Should I love my mother, a strict, abusive woman and a toxic parent? Should I forgive my parents who abused or hurt me? Psychotherapists will likely hear these questions in therapy sessions with people who have come to them because of their childhood experiences. We all have many bitter and sweet experiences from childhood. An essential part of our current personality is the result of our childhood interactions with our parents. What should we do if these parents, especially our mother, misbehave with us and still do? Should we hate him? Is it proper and reasonable to hate him? Does this hate solve a problem? Stay with us until the end of the article to find the answers to these questions.
Why do I hate my mother?
Mother is one of the closest people to us; She used to fulfill all our needs, and that’s why everyone’s relationship with their mother is always unique. This special relationship, called the mother-child bond, sometimes makes us unable to see our mother’s weaknesses and problems. As a result, when he cannot respond to our needs for any reason, we react differently. It is not very difficult to hate someone with whom we have no past or relationship, but how can we hate someone who raised us in his arms?
The problem is that the mother is imperfect like everyone else. The quality of our relationship with our mother comes back to the extent of her defects and our ability to accept these defects. Therefore, when our mother becomes a strict, unkind, abusive, and in short toxic parent, it will not be easy to hate her. The reason is that a child is still attached to the mother’s love under this anger and hatred. However, when our mother is unable or unwilling to respond to this vital need, it creates a lot of resentment in us, leading to feelings such as hatred.
What are the signs of a toxic parent?
The symptoms of a toxic parent and especially a toxic mother can be listed as follows:
- Paying too much attention to yourself instead of paying attention to the needs of the child;
- Too much criticism of the child;
- Mood and emotional instability;
- controlling the child too much;
- child abuse;
- Excessive expectations and expectations;
- lack of empathy with the child;
- Continuation of control and the behaviors above even during the child’s adulthood.
When a mother shows these attitudes and behaviors in interaction with her child, she can be called a toxic parent. Poisonous means harming, that is, someone who breaks his child with his behavior. Most of the time, these injuries are unintentional and sometimes intentional.
How to deal with hating parents in adulthood?
Hating your parents, especially your mother, is disturbing and confusing. Hate is a deep-rooted emotion and deeper than temporary anger and sadness. That is why it is necessary to deal with and cope with it to maintain mental health. To deal with the accumulation of anger and prevent it from turning into hate, you can do the things described below.
1. Set boundaries
We get angry when someone violates a boundary in our lives or when our needs go unmet. The solution to the problem is to recognize this anger and use it correctly to resolve conflicts. So the first step is to accept the fact that we are angry. Then we need to find the source of this feeling.
This process seems simple, but we have a difficult task ahead of us in practice. Anger is usually confused with nervous and impulsive reactions; These are only outward manifestations of anger. Anger is a deep-rooted emotion often related to our past experiences with one another. So, if instead of examining and examining ourselves, we go to vent our anger with methods such as shouting, threatening, and even harming others, not only will we not improve the situation, but we will also aggravate the main problem. With the continuation of these behaviors, we get caught in a vicious cycle in which we must use the aforementioned ineffective methods to meet our needs. As a result, our unresolved problems with parents are exacerbated.
Instead of these methods, we can use our anger to identify our problems with our parents. We can teach them how to meet our needs, how to respect our boundaries, and in short, how to interact with us. We can use the help of a psychotherapist to identify our anger and the proper ways to express it.
2. keep a distance
Escaping from toxic parents is a positive step toward more significant mental health and peace of mind, especially when they don’t respect your boundaries. On the other hand, this separation allows you to better analyze your relationship with your parents and find more opportunities to deepen your relationships with friends and other relatives.
3. Focus on a healthy lifestyle
A healthy lifestyle, in general, is beneficial for our physical and mental health, and it becomes even more critical when we have tension with our parents. Eating healthy foods, meditating, exercising, and writing about feelings and emotions aid our body and mind in these difficult situations.
4. Don’t share everything with your parents
It is unnecessary to inform your parents about all your daily activities or plans. Now that you’re having trouble with them, it’s best to focus on telling them what you want them to know.
5. Make your communication with them clear
When talking to your parents, try to be as straightforward as possible. If the other person does not speak clearly, ask him to explain more.
6. Accept the facts
Sometimes, your parents will not stop teasing you or crossing your boundaries despite your best efforts. In this case, you must understand that it is not your job to please or behave according to their wishes. Toxic parents may be aggressive, stubborn, or even manipulative in the face of your arguments. In this case, you don’t need to try harder to make them understand. Be careful not to get into a vicious circle of gossip and conflict, as it will cause more damage.
7. Do not neglect the principles of self-care
Dealing with the feeling of hating your mother is complex and challenging. Self-care guides can help you prioritize your needs and protect your mental health.
How do these principles help you in your relationship with your mother? For example, you can ask him to give you more personal space or tell him you will not spend this weekend with him. Also, if you are old enough, moving to a new house and becoming independent will significantly help you.
8. Forgive them
Forgiveness is difficult, especially when we want to forgive the closest people because we have opened another account. However, forgiving parents who hurt us intentionally or unintentionally is necessary to continue living.
Our mind is freed from anger and hatred with the help of forgiveness. Forgiving the mother we hate frees us from years of suppressed anger and allows us to move forward instead of being stuck in the past. Understanding that our parents are also human and imperfect is essential to forgiving them. Parents’ forgiveness also provides the necessary ground for raising future children because damaged children often repeat the anger and damage caused by a childhood in their behavior with their children in the future. Forgiveness can be a way to break this vicious cycle.
Final advice
Some of us grow up in such a way that we have a lot of anger and disgust towards our parents during childhood. In some cases, these injuries are so severe that they seriously affect our quality of life. Therefore, we must think about these deep and old injuries to restore our mental health and prevent repeating future generations’ mistakes. Visiting a psychotherapist is a good start to healing and dealing with wounds.
Warning! This article is only for educational purposes; to use it, it is necessary to consult a doctor or specialist.
