Is your friend’s leg longer than his carpet? Does a family member share private family information with others? Are you tired of your coworker’s talkativeness? You might think these unpleasant parts of life are inevitable, but a way to minimize them is to set personal boundaries. We all have limitations, but many of us find it difficult to express them, especially in stressful situations where we want to avoid conflict as much as possible. In the following, we will learn more about personal boundaries and how to determine them and announce them to others.
What is a personal boundary?
Personal boundaries are the limits we set to make ourselves more comfortable interacting with others. These boundaries may relate to physical contact, verbal interactions, and personal space. For example, we don’t like others to talk to us in a humiliating tone or someone to enter our room without permission.
Personal boundaries are divided into emotional, physical, sexual, and time boundaries. They can exist in various situations such as home and work or in family and friends gatherings. We deal with personal boundaries in all our interactions with others.
We all have boundaries, whether we tell others about them or not. However, if we do not announce our limits to others, they may be violated, and problems will likely arise.
Why is it important to set personal boundaries?
As we said, we all have boundaries that, if respected, will make us feel more comfortable in our lives and relationships. However, not all people have the exact limitations, and most people cannot guess the other person’s limits. This is especially true for those with lower emotional intelligence (EQ).
Setting boundaries means making others aware of your needs for healthy interaction, but this is not always easy. Not everyone likes or understands your limits or your reasons for setting them. Of course, if you don’t set your limits, you can’t expect others to respect them.
Healthy boundaries are essential to successful relationships. Failure to set healthy boundaries may lead to feelings such as resentment. Emergence of these feelings can also lead to disconnection with others or enmeshment. Entanglement is a state in which there is no clear boundary between the individual and the needs and feelings of others.
Most of the time, others don’t want to push our boundaries, and they don’t know our limits because we aren’t clear with ourselves or others about our wants or needs.
Types of Personal Boundaries
Determining personal boundaries is not always an easy task. People often don’t know where to start or how to communicate their needs to others. Before defining personal boundaries, we must first understand what limitations we describe.
1. Emotional boundaries
Emotional boundaries relate to respecting and valuing feelings and emotions. Setting emotional boundaries means knowing how much emotional energy you can handle when to share your feelings with others, and when not to talk about your feelings with people who react poorly. Respecting emotional boundaries also means accepting the feelings of others and respecting their ability to understand their dynamic information. For example, you might say: “I have a difficult situation and need to talk to someone.” Can you listen to me?”
Violation of emotional boundaries may occur in the following ways:
- Ignoring feelings and criticizing them;
- asking inappropriate questions;
- reading personal and dynamic information of others;
- Asking the person to justify his feelings;
- Thinking that we know how others feel;
- Talking about your feelings with others without their permission;
- Sharing inappropriate emotional information with children.
2. Physical boundaries
Physical boundaries include our need for personal space, how we feel when others touch or approach us, and physical conditions such as resting, eating, and drinking water. It’s OK to tell people you don’t want to be touched or need more space. It’s also OK to say you’re hungry or need a break.
Assume that you are not comfortable shaking hands with others. Although shaking hands is a social norm, some people may be reluctant to do so for various reasons (especially after the coronavirus pandemic ). To set this boundary, when you meet a new person, wave to them from a few steps away and smile, “I’m not shaking hands, but I’m very pleased to meet you.” You don’t need to explain or apologize any further.
The same tactic (communicating your boundary before others cross it) also works for other physical limitations. Also, if someone is in your physical space, you can say, “I don’t feel good when other people are close to me. Can you take a step back?”
3. Sexual boundaries
When starting a new intimate relationship, it is best first to discuss sexual boundaries with your partner. In this conversation, you can talk about things you are uncomfortable with in an intimate situation.
Having healthy sexual boundaries requires consent, agreement, respect, understanding of preferences and desires, and privacy. Healthy sexual boundaries include:
- Asking about consent;
- Talking and asking for what pleases you;
- request to use a condom if you wish;
- Talking about contraception ;
- Saying no to things you don’t like or hurt you;
- Protecting the privacy of the other party.
4. Work Boundaries
The best way to set work boundaries is to define how you conduct yourself and demonstrate the professional behavior you expect others to have when interacting with you. To develop work boundaries, you usually must wait until a limit is violated before taking action. For example, if a colleague talks to you from a superior position in a meeting, you can go to him after the session and explain why his behavior is incorrect and how he should talk to you in the future.
5. Material Boundaries
Material boundaries relate to items and possessions such as houses, cars, clothes, jewelry, and money. You need to know what you can and cannot give to others and how you expect others to treat your possessions. Limiting how you deal with your material possessions is helpful and will prevent resentment in the future. For example, you can say: “I would be happy to lend you my dress, but you must return it by Friday.” Crossing material boundaries occurs when your possessions are destroyed, stolen, or regularly borrowed.
In financial matters, you must specify your limits and boundaries. Everyone has their expenses, income, and financial limitations. Therefore, we should not be ashamed to talk about them with others. For example, ask a friend who borrowed money to return it or politely decline someone else’s request to lend it. Don’t let guilt or shame overwhelm you.
6. Time Boundaries
Time is precious, and you must protect it. Setting time boundaries at work, home, and community is very important. Setting time boundaries means understanding your priorities and setting aside enough time for many areas of your life without over-committing to others. When you know your preferences, limiting your time to give to others becomes much more accessible. For example, you can say: “I’d love to help, but I’m swamped today. Can I do it tomorrow?” or “I can only stay for an hour.” The same is true about rejecting others’ invitations. You don’t have to spend time where you don’t want or need to.
Some examples of time limit violations are:
- Taking the time of skilled or expert people without paying them;
- Request time from others;
- keeping people talking or doing more than we told them to;
- Calling others when they tell us they are busy.
7. Intellectual boundaries
Intellectual boundaries are related to our thoughts, opinions, and curiosity, and healthy academic boundaries mean respecting the views of others. These boundaries are violated when our thoughts and curiosity are suppressed, ignored, or belittled. Respect opinions and ideas and be willing to talk and understand properly. Is essential. Setting healthy intellectual boundaries means paying attention to whether or not it is the right time to discuss an issue.
For example, you might say, “I know we disagree, but I won’t let you humiliate me like that,” or “I understand that we have different opinions on this.” But do we have to accept all thoughts and opinions? Not. It would be best if you also distinguished between healthy and unhealthy discourse. If someone expresses an inherently harmful idea (such as racism, sexism, or xenophobia), you have every right to take a hard line. You can define the boundary in your way. For example, tell him you do not tolerate such conversations, distance yourself from him, or interrupt his words.
8. Communication Boundaries
These boundaries are usually revealed at work and involve issues related to our relationships with others. Topics include how others should speak to us or what we can and cannot say. Of course, these boundaries also play a role in other areas of life, such as the desire to maintain privacy.
Being clear about what you consider acceptable is the best way to set communication boundaries. If you’re not ready to talk about something, you don’t like the tone of the other person’s conversation, or you feel that it’s demeaning to be called names by others, be honest about your feelings. While there’s no guarantee that others will react well, you’ll know you’ve done everything possible for your well-being.
Conclusion
Sometimes, even though we try to announce our boundaries to others, some still violate them. In this case, you can cut off your communication with those people. Anyone who doesn’t respect your boundaries doesn’t appreciate you.
Of course, you must know yourself before you expect others to adhere to your boundaries. You can write some of your limitations. Categorizing limits is also helpful. Think about what interactions have caused you discomfort in the past and how you could have avoided these discomforts by setting and communicating your boundaries.
final word
Setting personal boundaries is your right, and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it or ignore your own needs for the comfort of others. Those who love and care about you want to know what you need to feel safe, and they can’t meet your needs until you tell them those needs yourself.
