Imagine you want to find the north direction with a compass, but the compass needle constantly rotates and does not show any direction. People who have disturbed attachment also experience such a state in their relationships. They are always worried and refuse to commit to protecting themselves. Disordered attachment can be a big challenge in people’s social life. Join us in this article to introduce this attachment style and review the methods of dealing with it.
What is disturbed attachment?
Humans are social beings and establish various relationships with others. Each person’s unique way of communicating with others is called attachment style. Each person’s attachment style is formed in early childhood in response to parental interactions. Experts have identified four attachment styles for adults:
- secure attachment ;
- anxious attachment;
- avoidant attachment;
- Disordered attachment.
Disturbed attachment is the most severe type of insecure attachment and is a combination of anxious and avoidant attachment styles. Psychologists identify this type of attachment by observing a person’s fear of close relationships. A person with disturbed attachment is often conflicted in his emotional relationships and uses anxiety (emotional hyperactivation) and avoidance (dynamic deactivation) strategies to relieve his fear.
People with disturbed attachment have a strong desire to have intimate relationships, but they build walls around themselves to protect their minds from getting hurt. This attachment style is associated with fear mis, trust, and internal conflict. Researchers say these people are unpredictable in their relationships, and this contradictory and unstable behavior hurts them.
Symptoms of disturbed attachment in children
According to research, the behavior of children with disturbed attachment is different from the behavior of other peers. They have an avoidant behavior with their parents. For example, when they are separated from their mother, they cry, but when the mother returns, they do not go to her and do not let her hug and calm them.
In addition, signs of fear can be observed in the behavior of these children; That is, when their parents approach them, their body language shows signs of anxiety and fear, and they may even speak about it. These children have contradictory behaviors because they need their parents, but at the same time, they are afraid to approach them. Children with disturbed attachment are more sensitive to stress. They don’t calm down quickly when faced with tension and remain distressed for a long time.
As the child grows and approaches adolescence, new signs appear in his behavior, including:
- aggression and violence with parents;
- assuming the role of parents;
- withdrawing and staying away from parents;
- masochism ;
- I prefer strangers to parents.
It is important to note that all children exhibit some degree of inconsistent and chaotic behavior when they are overtired or sick. Therefore, observing disturbed behavior does not necessarily mean a disturbed attachment style.
Disordered attachment symptoms in adults
Adults with disturbed attachment always experience conflicting feelings in their relationships. They need affection, but they are afraid of abandonment and intimacy, and because of this, their behavior is unstable and chaotic. They get too close to others to satisfy their needs, but when the other person approaches them, they become defensive and run away from the relationship. Experts say that the reason for these people’s contradictory behavior is the simultaneous fear of intimacy and rejection. The most important symptoms of disturbed attachment in adults are:
- inconsistent and chaotic and unpredictable behavior patterns;
- intense fear of rejection with mistrust of others;
- Having a contradictory view in relationships;
- Having conflicting goals in relationships (tending to commit and at the same time downplaying it);
- feeling angry and aggressive with parents or romantic partner;
- The feeling of fear and suspicion towards parents or emotional partner;
- feeling cautious and suspicious of others;
- Uncertainty about the purpose of the relationship;
- Fighting depression, anxiety, and isolation;
- Rooted shame;
- feeling unlovable and incompetent;
- Misbehavior;
- Impulsive behavior.
Causes of disturbed attachment
Disturbed attachment is the result of severe childhood trauma. Trauma has many forms. Disturbed attachment occurs when the child’s parents and relatives become a threat to the child instead of being a source of security. This attachment style results from genetic factors and an insecure childhood environment.
Babies have an innate need to be close to their parents and caregivers to get comfort in situations of fear and anxiety. If parents and others around the baby are a source of fear, the baby will unconsciously avoid attachment. This situation is strange for the baby because he has to approach the source of fear to reduce his fear. Researchers call this situation “fear without a solution.”
Children who grow up in unfavorable environments are more at risk of disturbed attachment. A child who has experienced loneliness, physical or emotional abuse, parental drug abuse, domestic violence, or other adversity is more likely to have a disturbed attachment style.
Disturbed attachment is not always the result of childhood abuse or maltreatment. Sometimes, a parent’s behavior is without insults and harshness, but the parent’s internal injuries and losses have disturbed his mental state, which is transmitted to the child. According to a 2001 study, babies whose mothers have experienced miscarriage are more likely to have disturbed attachment. These mothers do not mistreat their babies, but their trauma and long grief from the past affect the care of the following children.
Triggers of disturbed attachment
The mental triggers of people with disturbed attachment are activated upon entering any emotional relationship because they are conflicted about what they want. They want to love and be loved but don’t trust others. These people imagine in their subconscious that they will soon be hurt, disappointed, and rejected. For this reason, they become sensitive, and their behavior confuses and annoys the other party.
Any sign of rejection and distance bothers these people. For example, if you do not answer their messages and phone calls, are out of the house for a long time, and do not return on time, their brain stimulators will be activated. Avoidance behaviors such as getting angry and avoiding conversation also annoy them greatly. On the other hand, sincere behavior is also a warning sign for them. Planning for future commitment, romantic gestures, attachment, and excessive physical contact worry these people, who may show avoidance behavior.
Coping strategies for disturbed attachment
Most people with disturbed attachment have experienced a traumatic event at some point in their lives. These experiences often lead to identity confusion, difficulty regulating emotions, low self-esteem, substance abuse, and mental health problems. For this reason, learning how to control emotions in relationships is very important for these people. In the following, we have proposed some recommendations for setting up disturbance stimuli.
1. Get professional help
Seek professional help. The therapist helps you to have a safe and secure relationship. He teaches you to identify your unhealthy thoughts and behaviors and fix them. Psychotherapy develops your communication skills so that you feel safe in your romantic relationships by setting clear boundaries. Disturbed attachment increases the risk of depression, anxiety disorder, and social phobias. A regular treatment program also solves these problems.
2. Practice acceptance and compassion
Reasons beyond your control cause your troubled attachment, so be kind to yourself. Notice when you criticize yourself and are harsh with yourself. Instead, practice kindness to yourself. Be gentle and patient with yourself. Be kind and supportive to your friends. Accept your current situation and focus on ways to improve and improve.
3. Increased self-awareness
Without recognizing and understanding triggers, you cannot change them, so self-awareness is critical. Read about attachment theory and its different styles. This way, you will know yourself better. Take time to observe your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Don’t judge yourself; be an impartial observer to find the root of your behavior. Mindfulness exercises, writing behavioral patterns, and processing emotions will help you.
4. Practicing concentration techniques
When you experience an emotional stimulus, alarm bells go off in your brain and activate your avoidance response. In this case, your logical brain is turned off, and you react unconsciously and have little control over your behavior.
In this situation, practice concentration techniques to control your emotions more rationally. These techniques include:
- breathing exercises ;
- progressive muscle relaxation;
- meditation ;
- yoga ;
- Conscious communication with nature;
- Hot and cold sensory experiences (such as drinking hot tea or touching a piece of ice).
5. Support the inner child
An effective way to heal past wounds is to review childhood with compassion and kindness. You had terrible childhood experiences and weren’t cared for enough. Calm your inner child with a sense of affirmation and acceptance. Relive your memories from a compassionate and supportive perspective and tell your inner child it wasn’t his fault. One of the reasons for the influence of the past on our psyche is the restlessness of the inner child. Calm him down so you can spend your adulthood more confidently and peacefully.
6. Strengthen self-esteem
You are dealing with an inner conflict that has made your emotions unstable and makes it difficult to know what you want. This internal conflict is challenging and exhausting. You should know your desire to start a relationship is healthy and reasonable. The reason for your anxiety and avoidance is childhood fears. Strengthening self-esteem requires time and patience. Go through this process peacefully because your needs are valuable and deserve love and peace.
7. Determining boundaries
You must define your values and set clear boundaries for your relationships. Put aside the opinions and requests of others and see what you want from a relationship. Examine your past relationships and recognize their unhealthy aspects. Ask yourself what a healthy and independent relationship means and set boundaries for your new relationships based on that. Know your limits and personal space and share it with your romantic partner to build a healthy, trust-based relationship.
Effects of disturbed attachment on relationships
According to attachment theory, childhood experiences influence social and emotional development. People with disturbed attachment are usually inconsistent up, unpredictable, and difficult to relate to. In the following, we have described the challenges of a relationship with a person with a disturbed attachment. Knowing these challenges will help you find helpful interactive strategies to improve your relationship with your romantic partner.
1. Trust problem
Growing up in an unsafe environment increases the likelihood of developing trust issues; as a result, disturbed people are always suspicious of their partner’s intentions and actively look for evidence that will destroy their trust. The fear of abandonment causes this behavior and makes the relationship difficult for both people. People with attachment disorder are jealous of their friends and family and anxious about their participation in social activities.
2. Communication problems and inconsistent behavior
One of the main characteristics of disturbed attachment is the simultaneous fear of abandonment and intimacy. For this reason, people with this attachment style fluctuate between dependent and avoidant behavior. They have difficulty recognizing their feelings and often do not know what they want, so their behavior is inconsistent and unpredictable. If someone with a disturbed attachment gets into a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment or an anxious attachment, the relationship becomes complicated to manage.
3. Mood swings
Disturbed attachment is associated with severe mood swings and difficulty controlling emotions. These people are happy and kind one moment and hate and sad the next. This attachment style is associated with anger, which may be transferred to other people. People with disturbed attachment have not learned healthy ways to control their emotions and are likely to become angry and flee the relationship when confronted with stimuli that worry them.
4. Anxiety-avoidant behavior
People with disturbed attachment become anxious when they feel they may be abandoned. They need a lot of trust and reassurance, and if their romantic partner does not create this safe space, they become confused and disturbed. After feeling anxious, these people show irrational reactions that they feel guilty and ashamed about after a few minutes. In the face of this shame, they also show avoidance behavior. Avoidant behavior means they try to focus on the negative aspects when things are going well and ruin the relationship.
Coping with disturbed attachment in relationships
Relationships with people with disturbed attachment can be challenging and confusing. However, like others, they also have positive, attractive, and valuable characteristics. In this section, we have collected recommendations for solving problems related to these people. If both sides of the relationship work to resolve their insecurities and inappropriate behaviors, they will have a productive and robust relationship.
1. Effective conversation
Dialogue is the basis of the development of any relationship, and it means expressing needs and problems and actively listening to the other party’s words without judgment. You must listen to the other person’s speech without interrupting and show him that you are interested in this conversation by asking questions and making eye contact. The purpose of the discussion is not to identify the culprit. Focusing on solving problems and not looking for their cause would be best.
2. Setting personal boundaries
One of the ways to take care of mental health and relationships is to set clear boundaries. People with disordered attachment often do not have firm boundaries and are constantly fluctuating. To promote a healthy relationship, both sides must express their boundaries and discuss the consequences of breaking them. For example, make an appointment that if the other person yells violently, you will leave until the violent behavior ends.
3. patience
People with disturbed attachments are not malicious or mean. They just haven’t learned how to control their emotions and stay in a healthy relationship. They try to explain their behavior and needs, and you must be patient. When things are going well, please focus on the positives and tell your partner what qualities and behaviors you like about them. This relieves their feelings of anxiety and helps the relationship move forward.
4. Psychotherapy
If your relationship is valuable to you, you should work to maintain it. One of the best ways is to get help from a couple of therapists. These professionals can identify unhealthy patterns and help you and your partner rationalize your needs and problems. If both parties are committed to psychotherapy, they are more likely to be able to build a stable and healthy relationship.
last word
Disturbed attachment is one of the types of insecure attachment and is rooted in our childhood. The behavior of people with this type of attachment is chaotic and contradictory. This disorder harms both the person and their emotional partner. The best way to face these challenges is to know and correct attachment types, exa, and unhealthy behavior patterns,
If this article was helpful, share it with your friends and write us your opinion.
Warning! This article is only for educational purposes;d to use it, it is necessary to consult a doctor or specialist.
