You have probably heard often that they say that the basic principle in a successful marriage is understanding or compromise, which makes couples understand each other’s differences. This is true to some extent because no two people agree in all aspects of life, and no differences of opinion arise between them. Therefore, compromise makes it easier for couples to resolve differences. Now the question is, are we supposed to be short all the time and under any circumstances to avoid conflict? Is compromise always the right solution? In this article, we will first discuss the meaning of compromise, its importance in marriage, and how to achieve it. Then, we will see where and how we should fall short and when we should not even think about compromise.
The true meaning of compromise in marriage
All of us humans are different. We can never find someone whose values, preferences, and habits are precisely the same as ours and where there is no small point on which we disagree. For example, we may often argue about watching TV, where to spend vacations, the color of the kitchen wall, and things like that. You might say that if this is the case, then no marriage is perfect. The problem is, why should marriage be complete? These differences make married life out of monotony. Sometimes, it is enough to compromise, and one of the parties fails so that these slight differences do not result in a conflict.
Compromise means confirming our partner’s feelings, needs, and desires. It is a sign of respect for him. By doing this, we tell him, “Your needs are important to me, and your point of view is valuable, even if it differs from mine.”
Five reasons for the importance of compromise in marriage
Compromise is significant in an emotional relationship. If we are supposed to go our way and put our own words in the chair, why should we get married? Marriage means becoming “us” while preserving individual identity. Therefore, compromise in marriage assures us that we both hear each other’s opinions and find a beneficial solution so that, as the famous saying goes, neither the skewer burns nor the kebab!
1. Easier to find the middle ground
Compromise in marriage means finding a middle ground in an issue. When we and our spouses have different ways of doing things, compromise can help us find a way that satisfies both of us.
2. Having an open and flexible mind
Compromise in marriage has a positive effect on interpersonal relationships. With compromise, we can be open-minded and flexible and learn to consider the other side’s viewpoints. Doing this gives us a deep insight into each other’s desires.
3. Making positive changes in life
Compromise in marriage helps us see things from a different angle. When we force ourselves to accept the various opinions of others, it gradually becomes a habit and creates positive changes in other aspects of our lives.
4. Improving interpersonal relationships
Compromise makes you have more intimate relationships.
Communication is an essential pillar of marriage. Compromise in marriage helps to improve the relationship between us and our spouse. For example, when we show interest in what he likes to do and draw healthy boundaries for ourselves, we unconsciously become closer to each other.
5. Letting go of control
Excessive control is the bane of marriage. Many couples’ relationships become strained due to the controlling personality of the emotional partner. When we compromise, we put our marriage first and let go of controlling everything. Of course, managing and organizing some issues in marriage is necessary, but controlling everything excessively is not required at all.
compromise: A sign of healthy relationships
Compromise is an essential tool in relationships because it helps resolve conflicts. If we cannot compromise and insist on doing everything only our way, the frequent disputes will probably destroy our intimacy sooner or later.
The sign of a healthy relationship is not agreeing on everything with our partner; it is a healthy relationship in which, if there is any disagreement, we can reach an agreement and resolve our differences with mutual respect. The practice of compromise teaches us that our point of view or desire is only one side of the marriage equation, and on the other side is the point of view and desire of our life partner.
How to compromise in marriage
Now we come to the question, what is it like to compromise? How should we start, and what should we say? To compromise in marriage, do the things that we have mentioned below.
1. Talk respectfully
The first step to compromise is respectful dialogue. You should express your feelings and point of view and then give the other a chance to do the same. Do not interrupt each other’s conversation.
Use “I” to fully communicate with your partner and tell him what you want and need in your relationship. See the following examples:
I want to live in this city because it is closer to my work.
I want to have kids because I’m ready, and we’re financially stable.
I want to have children because my biological age is increasing.
It would be best to express your wishes only and not make assumptions about your spouse’s wishes and needs. He will speak later.
Do not convey your wishes by attacking your spouse.
2. Validate each other’s feelings
We said that you should not interrupt each other but acknowledge what you hear from your spouse. Even if you don’t agree with her about something important to her, confirm that you’re listening.
Repeat what your partner says in short sentences that show you understand. When acknowledging feelings, do so without stinging or sarcasm. Your tone should be steady and soothing. You and your spouse are having a conversation, not a fight.
3. Be willing to pay
Flexibility and a willingness to compromise are essential. Put yourself in your spouse’s place. Try to understand your spouse, even if it is challenging. Especially when your needs and desires make you judge one-sidedly, step out of your body for a while, and consider your partner’s feelings and opinions.
If everything is only according to your wishes, a healthy and happy relationship will not be created between you and your spouse.
4. Look for a solution together
Try to find a solution together. You are not single, so consider all options together, not individually. Discuss the pros and cons of your problem and choose an option that works best for both of you. Some things may be done better, and others may be done his way. You may even find a third method that works better than you.
5. Combine compromise with kindness
Remember that compromise is a loving gesture, and no one is meant to be humiliated or victimized in the middle. So do it with love, not anger. If you say, “Okay, Dad, do whatever wrong you want,” that doesn’t even remotely resemble compromise. This means, “I fell short despite my inner desire, and I am deeply dissatisfied and will retaliate in time.” This will drive you apart.
6. Appreciate your spouse when he falls short
Every time you compromise, the other person can open the way for more and deeper compromises with gratitude.
7. Pause before any reaction
If you are angry, pause and do not react. After you calm down, agree.
If something doesn’t go your way and you’re angry or upset, you probably won’t reach an agreement. Any reaction may make the situation worse, so pause for a while and don’t react. When you are calmer, you can talk again, and the compromise will be easier this time.
8. Get help from a couples therapist
If you cannot reach a compromise during the conflict, seek the help of a couples therapist. He can teach you techniques to help you compromise with each other.
9. be fair
If your wife is always short, be fair. Eventually, there will come a time when he gets tired of being shortchanged. In order not to get there, sometimes you have to compromise. Whatever decision you make, ask yourself if it’s fair to force your partner to do it.
10. Find the middle ground
We said that compromise means finding a middle ground. First, find out what is non-negotiable for you and ask your partner to do the same. You can even write them down. Then, write about the things you can compromise on. You will find a middle ground between them.
If there is something that neither you nor he is comfortable with, talk about it. Maybe it’s better to solve it like this: “Once we do it my way, next time your way.”
11. Sometimes, try each other’s method
Sometimes, because we can’t understand our spouse’s point of view clearly, we don’t fall short of our point of view. Try each other’s method in such a situation, even for a day or a week. For example, you may not agree with your spouse about visiting his favorite recreation area. You can try it there once, maybe you will like it. If not, find another solution.
12. Trust each other’s expertise
Sometimes, trust one of the other parties with something they are experts in. For example, you are a good cook, so your wife can trust you about food. On the other hand, if your spouse knows the car’s problems, leave it to him if there is a dispute.
When should we be, and when should we not be short?
Compromise in marriage is a bit controversial and ambiguous. Some people disagree and argue that compromise in marriage makes us say whatever our partner says. This is incorrect because compromise is not supposed to be one-sided. On the other hand, compromise does not mean we always have to cut corners in any situation. In this section, we discuss the cases where we have to compromise and those where compromise does not make sense. Since it is sometimes difficult to distinguish these cases, we will clarify them with an example.
When should we compromise?
The cases where compromise efficiently prevents conflict and brings satisfaction to us and our spouses have nothing to do with our identity and values. In the following, we have presented some examples of these situations.
1. Plan to go out
+ Dear, I said that there is no vegetarian food here. You eat and I look at you?
– Cut it short this time, next time we will go wherever you want!
It would be best to consider both parties’ preferences when planning to go out together. In these cases, compromise is fair. For example, if you like a beach vacation but your partner prefers the mountains, you can choose a place with both.
If your spouse is a vegetarian and your favorite restaurant does not serve vegetarian food, you should compromise and go to a restaurant that serves his favorite dishes. Otherwise, you should eat alone and let him sit and watch you. It is unlikely that you are willing to do such a thing.
2. Expressing love in a different language
Sometimes, couples have different love languages. Speaking the other person’s love language allows them to feel our love and affection, even if it’s not our preferred method. For example, suppose you prefer to express your love verbally, but your partner tends to express it physically. If you stop sometimes and give him physical affection, there will be no problem. Sometimes, he will be enough to express his love in language to make you happy. In such a situation, each of us realizes that the other party is willing to give up his desires for him (these desires have nothing to do with personal identity and can sometimes change).
3. Division of housework
Couples often struggle with this. It would be best if you negotiated how to divide the housework. For example, let your wife take out the garbage and wash the dishes. Instead of making it a chore, compromise by saying, “You take out the trash while I’m doing the dishes after dinner.”
4. spending time together
Sometimes, our preference for weekends may differ. For example, you may prefer to spend your weekends doing activities outside the home, and your spouse tends to spend time with friends and family on these days. The holiday is two days; For example, you can devote Thursday to running or walking and visit your family on Friday.
How can you reach both families in one day? It depends on the negotiation. You can visit your family this Friday and his family next Friday, or, for example, have lunch with your family and dinner with his family. In any case, you must reach an agreement.
In the same way, we can compromise in almost every aspect of life, including managing finances, raising children, participating in joint activities, supporting each other’s careers and goals, and anything that does not compromise one of the parties’ core beliefs or values.
When should we not compromise?
There are also essential cases where compromise does not make sense. You should resort to other solutions and resolve the dispute in such a situation.
1. Jeopardizing individual values and beliefs
There is no point in compromising if it will destroy your core values and beliefs. For example, if your disagreement is about watching a movie, compromise will solve this problem very quickly. What about more important issues? Let’s suppose that some behaviors in sexual intercourse are not pleasant for you and contradict your beliefs. Do you have to compromise? Certainly not. Do not forget that these critical issues should have been raised before marriage.
2. Violating each other’s boundaries
If it pushes your boundaries, don’t compromise.
Everyone has boundaries, and no one, not your spouse, should cross them. Compromise never makes sense where boundaries are violated. For example, if what he wants puts you under pressure or hurts you, don’t compromise. Your mental, physical, and emotional safety comes first, and you should not skimp on it.
3. One-sided compromise
A relationship in which one person always compromises is unhealthy. You are not the only one who will fall short. If you find that compromise is necessary in every situation, even the little things we say, you’re the only one compromising; it might be time to stop compromising.
4. Loss of personal identity
Compromise should never come at the cost of losing your identity. Your identity is part of who you are and what made your partner fall in love with you in the first place. So if he wants to take this identity from you after marriage, don’t compromise.
5. Items related to your family
You’ve probably heard the saying, “Even if family members kill each other, they don’t throw away a bone.” Except in exceptional cases, the family always stands by us in life’s most challenging days. So even if you have problems with your family, it is unlikely that you will be willing to put a thorn in their side. In cases where your family is in the middle, compromise does not make sense. Of course, this is when your spouse asks you for something unfair about your family. For example, he may say that you have no right to see your father again. Don’t be short in such cases, but if your family is guilty and your wife is correct, there is no reason to side with the family.
6. Items related to your job
Your job is another thing you shouldn’t compromise on. For example, if your wife asks you to leave your job for her and you love your work, don’t hesitate. He knew what your job was before marriage, and he chose you again. However, in this case, don’t forget that your marriage is as important as your job, and there should be a perfect balance between them. If your spouse has a problem with your job because your work-life balance is not established, you should correct it, but if he behaves irrationally, don’t compromise.
7. Items related to your friends
Sometimes, in the world of friendship, in a single year, we may be connected with friends whose lifestyle is unsuitable for family life. If this is your spouse’s problem, you can check whether you accept this issue or not. In such a situation, compromise is not a problem; You can keep your distance from your friends. Otherwise, if you have close friends who are healthy people, they will not leave you after marriage. Unless, like in the case of work, you have forgotten the balance between friendship and life.
If the topic is something else and your spouse wants something unreasonable from you about your friends, don’t hesitate. Friendly communication is one of the primary needs of almost all of us: Friends whose support and sympathy we desperately need sometimes.
8. Your hobbies and interests
If you have struck a balance between entertainment and marriage, your spouse has no right to object.
One of the essential things often sacrificed in marriage is people’s hobbies and interests, Apart from what they do with their partner.
Work, housework, spending time with spouse, family, and friends, and all the everyday things in marriage should never make us forget about the hobbies we enjoy.
For example, if reading is your favorite pastime and your wife doesn’t like your head in a book, remind her that this is your pastime and she has no right to take it away from you. Don’t be short in such a situation. As before, do not forget that there should be a balance and that your hobbies do not affect all your other activities.
For example, if your wife has arrived home after a busy day and you don’t even lift your head from the book to look at her, she has the right to protest. For example, if you are playing a computer game and your wife calls you several times during lunch and you don’t care, she has the right to be upset.
So compromise is pointless when he forces you to give up your hobbies for irrational reasons or because he doesn’t like your hobbies.
final word
In this article, we discussed compromise in marriage, when we should compromise, and when we should not compromise. As we have seen, in ordinary disputes and minor problems, valuing our spouse and compromising with him leads to a closer interpersonal relationship. However, the root issues related to our identity, core values, and beliefs are not something compromise is right about. Considering these things, marriage can become a sweet and relaxing relationship.
What do you think about compromise in marriage? How much do you respect this issue, and how do you reach an agreement with your spouse? Please share your views with us.
